they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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