If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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