im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
