the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
