Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
