My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
