i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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