I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
