You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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