I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
