We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
