Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
