I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
