so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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