Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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