When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
