I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
