My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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