Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
