There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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