i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize