she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
