I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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