I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
