Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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