I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
