o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
