I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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