if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize