I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
