WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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