My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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