Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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