I will die if light touches me.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
