She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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