ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
