just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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