my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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