When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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