I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
