My first STD was from a foam party
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize