Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
