Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
