And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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