i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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