My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
