Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
