I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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