I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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