god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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