so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
