I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
