I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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