I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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