Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
