My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
