i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize