its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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