Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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