why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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