I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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