oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
