In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize