im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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