So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
