you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's blow job season.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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